5 simple rules for dating my game

Right where do we begin? It's the first posting of a new blog but one upon which I can write and which is always going to throw up reasons to argue. Good honest debate is always good and we aim to provide enough scope for reasoned debate- who the fuck are we kidding, when it comes to football reasoned debate is bollox, it's all about the passion and there are no neutrals, anyone who says that they are is missing the point.
anyway we'll start with 5 simple changes to the game which we believe would make it a better game for all. These are not massive reconstruction of the soul things just basic shit that would save frustration, anger and the sensibilities of referees mothers so here goes

1-If He's Not Interfering With Play Why Is He On The Pitch? 

The current offside rule takes the piss. It comes down to the notion of interfering with play and those in favour of it always go on about the benefit of the doubt being given to the attacker. What that means in reality is that if a defender does what he's supposed to and a forward doesnt but he doesnt touch the ball, fuck the defender. As a defender i find that shit and as a coach i find that infuriating because it assumes that a forward can only interfere if he is directly involved in play. This in it's simplest form means that if a player is offside on the left wing but the move happens on the right no offside irrespective of how far ahead of play he is. And that takes the piss because it has an inherrent hypocrisy built into it. Should it be a defender that is that far out of position on the other side of the pitch, then he plays everyone onside, which is the ultimate definition of interfering with play.
To keep the rule has it is implies that defenders must only regard what is in front of them but if the line pushes up to take into account a straying forward, why punish them for what is good defensive play and reward a mistake by the attacking team? Therefore remove the interfering with play and simply say if you're ahead of the last defender it's offside irrespective of where you are on the pitch. It wont end mistakes but it should reward good defence.

2- It's A Game Played With The Feet

During the Arse/Scum game, there was a penalty that Shrek blazed over the bar which in and of itself is mildly amusing but the penalty raised the issue of handball. Now from this perspective, it appeared as if Clichy slipped and nani hit the ball off his hand, certainly not scooping it as the lino indicated. Now depending on which pair of lenses one is wearing, it was either a fair call or a bloody appaling decision. For us it seemed harsh given some calls which have not been called but it did hit the defenders arm and thus by the letter of the law it's a penalty. The problem is tha the law itself has stabbed itself in the foot by introducing an element of doubt into the equation. It really shouldnt matter if it's ball to hand or not. It should always be the way that if the ball strikes the hand so that the ball deviates in its path, then its handball. The deliberate nature of the act should only be taken into account when deciding the fate of the perpetrator.

3- Its All A Waste Of Time

In all the furoré over Real Madrid's deliberate booking scam in the CL, what was lost was that both second bookings were for time wasting. Now in this extreme case two players were sent off but in the normal runof events, what benefit arises for the non-offending team from penalising time wasting? if anything the process of booking a player wastes more time and allows the offending team to keep the ball. So why not give an indirect freekick as well as booking the player. It would certainly speed up kickouts and throw-ins but unfortunatly wouldnt get rid of the standing by the cornerflag but one thing at a time

4 - You Cant Run Through The Guy

Although we believe that good defence is an integral to team as great attack, wea renot blind to commona failings amongst defenders such as shirt pulling and grabbing and pushing in the box but we feel these remain unpunished due to bollocklessness by refs rather than non-existent rules. However, one thing that we admit to doing ourselves which we would love to see go is the notion that if a defender makes himself big he can prevent an attacker getting to a ball heading to the endline by simply existing. Bull. Shielding the ball involves fooling an opponent by distracting them from the run of the ball not doing an impression of the Spartans at Thermopylae. It's obstruction and should be an indirect freekick as much for lack of bloody invention as anything else


5- Fall for One and All for None

According to FIFA a topless man inflames a crowd-not untrue but out of context. Likewise jumping into your own fans inflames the crowd notwithstanding the idea that very few fans get upset if their teams score and the very act of scoring in itself inflames opposing fans and despite Jonathan Wilson's thesis, FIFA wont ban goals, yet. But fans often chant 'same old "insert geographical euphemism" always cheating' and one of the reasons is diving. Now, whilst it may be the case that it is individual players who have these inner ear problems, it is perceived as a collective ailment and thus maybe the way to prevent it is to import the notion - and we generally loathe the importation of ideas from other sports and will explain why in a later post- of the team foul in that after a player has been booked for diving that the next player from the same team penalised for diving should get a red card. it would certainly cut it down if not out

Anyway thats a few suggestions, whether they're viable or enforcable is another story but lets see